Misc humor


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A priest is driving on the new motorway near Shannon Airport and notices a dead pig on the road. Concerned he rings the local Garda Station and is answered by a smart ass Sargent. The priest explains the situation regarding the dead pig and exclaims that it might cause a traffic accident.

Sargent replies with a big guffaw “Father, did you administer the last rites”!

Quick as a flash the priest replies … “No I thought I should call his next of kin first”

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An elderly man lived alone in the Irish countryside with only his pet dog as company. The dog died and the elderly man was heartbroken. As he loved the dog so much and he was such great company he decided to visit the local parish priest and ask if he could have a mass said for his departed pet. The priest replies. “I’m afraid not Paddy we can’t say mass in the church for a dead animal. However there’s a
Baptist church down the street there and I believe they might do the honours for you”.

“Thanks Father” said Paddy as he headed towards the door. Turning he said to the priest, “Do you think €5000 is enough to donate for the service Father”?

“Sweet Mary Mother of Jesus Paddy why didn’t you tell me the dog was a catholic, come back here and we’ll make the arrangements”

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Paddy was on a long haul flight, happened to be sitting beside a beautiful young woman and noticed that she was reading a book entitled “Strange but true sexual facts”

“Interesting” asks Paddy.

“Very” she replied…”for instance, did you know that the native American Indian has the longest penis and Irishmen have the thickest” she said. “And oh, by the way my name is Helen and yours”?

“Oh!” says Paddy a little flustered, “my name is Murphy…yea Murphy…Tonto Murphy to be exact”

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Paddy is at the airport, on his way back from America with two sacks over his shoulders when all of a sudden, the customs officials stopped him and they begin to search the sacks. They find loads of mobile phones in the sacks and the customs officer asks Paddy why does he have all the mobile phones.

Paddy replies, “Well I was on my travels about the states when I get a call from my pal Murphy in Ireland who tells me that he is going to start a jazz band and would I mind bringing him back two saxaphones”!

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THIS IS VERY CLEVER
———————
Two Italian men talking on a bus, the lady sitting near them ignores them at first but her attention is galvanised when she hears one of them saying… “Emma comes first…den I come…then two asses come together…I come once-a-more…two asses they come together again…I come again and then pee twice…then I come one last time”.

The lady couldn’t take this any more and exclaims, “You foul mouthed sex obsessed pig in this country we don’t speak aloud in public places about our sex lives”

“Hey coola down lady” said the Italian man “we not talkin abouta sex…just a tellin my frienda here how to spell “MISSISSIPPI”

Bet you’re going to read this again…clever huh!

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Miss O’Connor the church organist was in her 80′s and had never married. She was admired for her sweetness, her kindness and gentleness of spirit. One day the parish priest called on her and she showed him into her quaint little sitting room while she went to prepare tea. As the priest sat facing her old home Hammond organ, he noticed a glass bowl sitting on top of it. The glass bowl was filled with water and floating on top was a condom. When she returned with the tea and scones, he asked her about it.

“Isn’t it wonderful” she replied “I was walking in the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease…and do you know what…I haven’t had the flue all winter”

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Originally posted 2011-07-15 08:00:48. Republished by Blog Post Promoter




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This entry was posted on Saturday, December 7th, 2013 at 3:44 am and is filed under Funny, Joke. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.